This beautiful shirt is made of 100% combed, brushed, and mollycoddled cotton. It's brought to you by the letter T and the number 37. The Sword & Martini Guy is boldly emblazoned on the front in glorious black (actually, it's "asphalt") and white. Combine it with a pair of shoes and you're sure to be served in even the finest of eating establishments and supermarkets. (These sizes run small, so go bigger if you're in doubt. We won't tell anyone.)

This shirt features a smallish reproduction of the Sword & Martini Guy as you've never seen him before: in white! He reposes serenely against a solid dark grey (or 'asphalt,' if you know what colors mean) T-shirt. No slogans or URLs on this shirt -- just the stylish, simple beauty of Jick's art. Stop snickering.

This black shirt (not that "asphalt" color, mind you!) features the gnauga. Well, the gnauga's beady little eyes and giant vicious grin, at least. When you wear this shirt, everyone will be afraid of you. If everyone is already afraid of you, they'll be even more afraid.

This shirt is emblazoned boldly over its entire surface with the color green. A nice, big image of everyone's favorite vicious citrus, the sabre-toothed lime (with eye-catching pearly whites), adds the perfect decorative flourish to an already stylish shirt. Wear this and everyone will know you're a hip, happening Kingdom of Loathing player. Or they'll think you're some kind of bizarre superhero.

This black shirt (still not that "asphalt" color, mind you!) also features the sabre-toothed lime. If you were just thinking to yourself "I like that lime, but the green shirt just doesn't go with my all black gothy and/or Matrix-inspired wardrobe." then you should now be thinking "Huzzah! My concerns have been addressed with vigor and haste! Now where's my wallet?"

This two-tone ring-tee (over-hyphenated?) is dark brown and some kind of... umber, or burnt sienna or something. Rather than depicting an umber hulk, or a burnt sienna hulk, it depicts everybody's favorite monster, the bugbear.

This shirt is a vibrant pink, and has the female disco bandit on it. As such, it's only available in girls' sizes. Because everybody knows that real men don't wear pink shirts, or eat quiche, or apologize for spilling quiche on somebody's pink shirt. (Note: these shirts do not come pre-stained-with-quiche. Even if they did, though, we wouldn't apologize.)

Against all odds, we've finally got a calendar in the store, and in plenty of time for it to actually be relevant! Each of the 12 action-packed months in this calendar is illustrated in loving detail by talented KoL fans. It's sure to delight all of your senses except the ones that aren't vision. Though, come to think of it, it does sort of have that "new calendar" smell.

As an added bonus, each day on the calendar has icons representing the phases of Ronald and Grimace, as well as any holidays that fall on that particular KoL day. As an added added bonus, the calendar even contains the brand new holidays that haven't actually been implemented yet! Be the first kid on your block to know our deepest secrets!

Sure, Kingdom of Loathing already delights some of your senses -- it stimulates your sight, tickles your sense of humor, and may offend your sense of propriety -- but this lovingly handcrafted kit will delight the rest of them. TOUCH the wax seal on your Letter from King Ralph! HEAR the clanking of Boris's, Jarlsberg's, and Sneaky Pete's Keys! SMELL the sulfurous wonder that is the Typical Tavern Matchbook! TASTE the five Pork Elf gems in their velvet pouch! Um, you might want to wash them first, though. (Click picture for full contents).

NOTE: These take a long time for us to make, so supplies are limited, and available for a limited time only. Limited limited limited.

Button, button, who's got the button? We do! These four 1" diameter buttons, depicting the baby gravy fairy, the gnauga, the bugbear, and the sabre-toothed lime, are the perfect thing for that jacket you've got that's all covered in random buttons, or that hat you've got that's all covered in random buttons, or that messenger bag you've got that's... yeah, you get the idea. If you're one of those "lots of buttons" people, these are for you.

Ladies and gentlemen, we proudly present the winner of this year's coveted "Least Accurately Named Merchandise" Award! These toys range from two to three inches tall, so they're anything but tiny. And they're made from art-toy resin, not kiddie-toy plastic (though they're robust, we don't recommend stomping on them). I suppose "Decently-sized Resin Series 1" doesn't have quite the same ring to it, though.

Anyway, these beautiful toys are The Pretentious Artist's interpretations of the Vicious Gnauga, Baby Gravy Fairy, Sabre-Toothed Lime, and Bugbear. They're satisfyingly hefty and solid for their size, and are sure to bring beauty and class to your cubicle, home computer desk, or S&M dungeon.

This vicious little toy is the epitome of screaming terror, albeit ign a cute and cuddly way. His beady little eyes and toothy sgnarl are proven to ward off evil spirits (perhaps spiriting them off to an evil ward). Reports that this toy walks in the night seeking to prey on the flesh of the ignnocent are, we're sure, utter fabrications.

Look at that hypnotizing, toothy (and toothsome) grin. What is this lime so happy about? Its smile is every bit as enigmatic and beguiling as the Mona Lisa's. Perched on its sturdy plastic stand, it almost seems to hover eerily in mid-air -- provided your eyesight is spectacularly bad and/or the room is almost completely dark.

Kingdom of Loathing's own lovable species-ist (Begone, filthy human!) is rendered here in all his scrawny-armed, snaggle-toothed glory. The bulkiest of the four tiny plastics, he is the most effective as a paperweight or, in a pinch, a short-range ballistic missile (actually, you shouldn't throw these toys. You'd probably break his ears off or something). And even though he's painted the most appetizing shade of chocolate brown, we can't condone eating him. But, y'know, we won't stop you from trying.

Kingdom of Loathing's cutest familiar finally realizes her full potential, appearing here in at least three dimensions and in glorious full color. We kind of always thought she was white with purple spots, but we're thrilled to have been proven wrong. Though she's not fully articulated for dancing, keep in mind that neither are you, and you don't have detachable wings.

Do you?

Don't pass on these sassy, classy glasses. All 6 character classes, alternating male and female, are featured on these lovely flammable-beverage-holders in the primitive art style that fans love and that people who print artwork on shot glasses hate (no, seriously, they tried to redraw every single one for us). If you're not old enough to drink flammable beverages, you can do a few shots of milk or fruit juice. Yup, that'd be a blast.

It comes in pints? I'm gettin' one! Yes, these glasses hold 16 ounces (7.3 hectares, if you're metric) of your favorite frosty beverage. I mean, you can put beverages other than beer in here, but we can't officially condone such behavior. We'll just try not to judge you if you do.

What's approximately 4 times better than having one pint glass?

If you can conceive of a more stylish way to keep coffee out of your lap than this little number, you're a cleverer coffee cup conceiver than we are. It is a completely nondescript white coffee cup, exactly the size of a coffee cup, with the Sword and Martini Guy on it.

This is a coffee cup just like the one with the Sword and Martini Guy on it, but with the Coffee Pixie on it instead. When you put hot coffee in it, the image of the Pixie shakes back and forth, just like in the game! Actually, no it doesn't.