The Store of Loathing
A Consumer is You!
The Store

Hi, I'm Dwayne, the Store Guy. Welcome to the Store of Loathing, your source of quality Kingdom of Loathing merchandise.

Here you can purchase a variety of items usable in the real world to do such things as

  • prevent people from seeing your nipples.
  • make people laugh when they see your car (as if they don't already).
  • keep beer and liquor from spilling onto your kitchen table.

Unless otherwise specified, all glassware is sweatshop free and all T-shirts are dishwasher-safe. Or something along those lines.

All prices include shipping and handling within the United States.

If your order needs to be shipped anywhere other than the US, please click here for international shipping options.

All orders will be shipped via USPS. Please allow 4-6 weeks for delivery. If you have any questions about your order, please contact us at kolorders@gmail.com.

Navigation!
T-Shirts! Media! Assorted Objects! Stickers and Temporary Tattoos! Glassware!
Kingdom of Loathing T-Shirts
Sword and Martini Guy Shirt ($15.00)
Size

This beautiful shirt is made of 100% combed, brushed, and mollycoddled cotton. It's brought to you by the letter T and the number 37. The Sword & Martini Guy is boldly emblazoned on the front in glorious black (actually, it's "asphalt") and white. Combine it with a pair of shoes and you're sure to be served in even the finest of eating establishments and supermarkets. (These sizes run small, so go bigger if you're in doubt. We won't tell anyone.)

Minimalist Sword and Martini Guy Shirt ($15.00)
Size

This shirt features a smallish reproduction of the Sword & Martini Guy as you've never seen him before: in white! He reposes serenely against a solid dark grey (or 'asphalt,' if you know what colors mean) T-shirt. No slogans or URLs on this shirt -- just the stylish, simple beauty of Jick's art. Stop snickering.

Sabre-Toothed Lime Shirt ($15.00)
Size

This shirt is emblazoned boldly over its entire surface with the color green. A nice, big image of everyone's favorite vicious citrus, the sabre-toothed lime (with eye-catching pearly whites), adds the perfect decorative flourish to an already stylish shirt. Wear this and everyone will know you're a hip, happening Kingdom of Loathing player. Or they'll think you're some kind of bizarre superhero.

Sabre-Toothed Lime Shirt (black) ($15.00)
Size

This black shirt (not that "asphalt" color, mind you!) also features the sabre-toothed lime. If you were just thinking to yourself "I like that lime, but the green shirt just doesn't go with my all black gothy and/or Matrix-inspired wardrobe." then you should now be thinking "Huzzah! My concerns have been addressed with vigor and haste! Now where's my wallet?"

Vicious Gnauga Shirt ($15.00)
Size

This black shirt (still not that "asphalt" color, mind you!) features the gnauga. Well, the gnauga's beady little eyes and giant vicious grin, at least. When you wear this shirt, everyone will be afraid of you. If everyone is already afraid of you, they'll be even more afraid.

Ninja Snowman Shirt ($15.00)
Size

That's no man; that's a snowman, man! In fact, it's a ninja snowman, cleverly hidden on your torso. This shirt is gray, because white shirts are for squares, man, and this snowman is definitely round.

Bugbear Shirt ($15.00)
Size

This two-tone ring-tee (over-hyphenated?) is dark brown and some kind of... umber, or burnt sienna or something. Rather than depicting an umber hulk, or a burnt sienna hulk, it depicts everybody's favorite monster, the bugbear. Limited sizes available.

Gravy Fairy Shirt ($15.00)
Size

Sometimes you need to change things up a little bit. Maybe you drive a different route to work, or maybe you ask your girlfriend to wear a Nixon mask -- whatever it takes to break the monotony. In our case, it took a guest artist. The Pretentious Artist, specifically. He drew this awesome Baby Gravy Fairy, and we put it on a purple shirt, just for the ladies.

Media
KoL Comic Issue #5 PDF only
($3.00 each)

Jill's quest to find out the truth about her ancient, evil talisman (or just get rid of it) leads our adventurers up a beanstalk, to a castle in the clouds, and even beyond the sky itself! Will they survive, or will the whole thing go to Hey Deze? Find out in Kingdom of Loathing #5: There May Be Giants!

Please note that this is the PDF only -- if you want a physical copy of this issue, you can get one through IndyPlanet here.
Your Email Address: (REQUIRED)   

KoL Comic Issue #4 PDF only
($3.00 each)

Things are getting chilly in issue #4, "Bansai, Buckaroo!" Jill, B.G., and Hansrik battle through waves of angry goats to reach the Lair of the Ninja Snowmen. Will the Snowmen's origin story help them on their quest? Probably not. Is B.G. hiding a shameful secret? You bet!

Please note that this is the PDF only -- if you want a physical copy of this issue, you can get one through IndyPlanet here.
Your Email Address: (REQUIRED)   

KoL Comic Issue #3 PDF only
($3.00 each)

In Issue #3, "This Song is for the Rats," Jill has reluctantly accepted the "help" of Disco Bandit B.G. on her quest to discover Azazel's evil plot. But danger lurks beneath the Misspelled Cematary! B.G. and Jill's only hope just might be a mysterious blond stranger who only speaks in haiku...

Please note that this is the PDF only -- if you want a physical copy of this issue, you can get one through IndyPlanet here.
Your Email Address: (REQUIRED)   

KoL Comic Issue #2
($6.00 each)
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Issue #2 of the Kingdom of Loathing Comic, "Only You Can Prevent Forest Friars," continues the saga of Jill 8-Pack from the "Fun"house to the Typical Tavern and beyond! She'll face evil clowns, consult obese friars, and try to rid herself of a new traveling companion named B.G. It's all-new, all-color, and all-stops-pulled!

[Same deal here -- buy a book, get a PDF of it delivered right to your inbox by tiny electronic doves. Of course, we need to tell the doves where to go.]
Your Email Address: (REQUIRED)   

KoL Comic Issue #1
($6.00 each)
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The most Kickstartingest comic ever is finally available to the general public! It's a 24-page full-color comic book that brings Kingdom of Loathing to life like you've never seen before (unless you regularly lick toads before playing the game, that is). Loathing's own Mr. Skullhead teamed up with artist Doug Kallberg for this, the first in a six-part series. Meet Jill 8-Pack, the plucky young Sauceror, and her adorable Attention Deficit Demon! Learn about Azazel's sinister plot to take over the Kingdom! See what Susie looks like without her podium!

[Every purchase of a physical comic book includes a download of a .pdf of the same, for reading on one of those new-fangled whozits you kids have instead of books these days, consarn it. I guess we're gonna need your email address to send the PDF link, too.]
Your Email Address: (REQUIRED)   

KoL Comic PDF (Issue #1 or #2)
($3.00 each)

Which one:
PDF? What does that even mean? Plush Daddy Fly? Apparently these are all the rage or something. Purchasing this item will allow you to download a PDF of the comic for your omigod-its-the-future reading pleasure. We need to have an email address to send your download link to, though!
Your Email Address: (REQUIRED)   

Mr. Card Game
($39.95 plus shipping via Evertide Games)
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People always say: "You guys. Your art. It is so amazing. You should license it to other companies." So we did, and this is the result: A board game based on our very own Kingdom. Play with your friends, in real life! And if you don't have any friends in real life, just start playing it by yourself in public, and friends will magically appear.

Visit Evertide Games to buy your copy today!

KoL Documentary, "An Adventurer Is You!" DVD
($15.00 each)

From the frozen wastes of Canadia rode filmmaker Chris Ciosk, on a trusty steed made of video cameras and boom microphones. He interviewed us, explored our offices, and cut together a 27-minute documentary that you can show to your non-KoL-playing friends by way of explanation or apology. Heck, your mother would probably like it. Lord knows she's easy enough to please. It's got loads of special features -- lengthy audio interviews with all of the staff (all of the staff as of early 2007, at least,) a behind-the-scenes look at our development process, and a really cool title animation. A must-have for anybody who must have it.

Kingdom of Loathing 2014 Calendar
($10.00 each)
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The wait is over! The sequel to the Kingdom of Loathing 2013 Calendar has arrived, and it answers all of the questions left unanswered (and perhaps unasked) in that relic. Questions such as: "What day of the week is Christmas on in 2014?" and "what will be Ronald and Grimace's phases on April 20th?" In addition to helping you keep track of your finite and ever-diminishing lifetime, the calendar once again features 13 full-page, full-color, full-bodied, amazing works of art by 13 colorful, real, live Kingdom of Loathing players.

Kingdom of Loathing 2013 Calendar (Clearance!)
($6.00 each)
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The 2013 Calendar of Loathing's features include twelve pieces of original KoL fan artwork, a thirteenth piece of bonus art on the cover, and everything else you've come to expect from Calendars of Loathing -- a full and nearly always mostly accurate list of in-game holidays and moon phases, as well as out-game holidays such as "Christmas."

KoL Calendar Art Pack (2009-2012)
($20.00)
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We are pleased to offer you, the Loather of discriminating taste, this amazing miniature museum of Kingdom of Loathing fan art. These 48 full-color posters are tastefully bound in three separate outdated calendars. Simply cut them out and they're suitable for putting in tiny frames to adorn your tiny walls! Or flip them over and enjoy all the out-of-date calendar action your tiny heart can handle!

Assorted Objects
Kingdom of Loathing Keychain
($2.00 each)

$2 for a plastic retro-style keychain? Sadly, fully 60% of that is shipping. Stupid postal service. But there is another option -- unless we screw up, we plan on including a keychain and a couple of coasters with every order that exceeds $25 as a free bonus! That'll teach those USPS jerks to discriminate against tiny objects!

Kingdom of Loathing Coasters
($2.00 Set of 4)

In the extremely unlikely event that these things make it to you without getting mutilated in the mail, you're probably going to be angry that you paid $2 for them. Again, shipping. Always with the shipping. But as mentioned above (and copied and pasted here for your amusement), there is another option -- unless we screw up, we plan on including a keychain and a couple of coasters with every order that exceeds $25 as a free bonus!

Kingdom of Loathing Buttons
($3.00 Set of 4)

Button, button, who's got the button? We do! These four 1" diameter buttons, depicting the baby gravy fairy, the gnauga, the bugbear, and the sabre-toothed lime, are the perfect thing for that jacket you've got that's all covered in random buttons, or that hat you've got that's all covered in random buttons, or that messenger bag you've got that's... yeah, you get the idea. If you're one of those "lots of buttons" people, these are for you.

Tiny Plastics Series 1
($25.00 Set of 4)
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Ladies and gentlemen, we proudly present the winner of this year's coveted "Least Accurately Named Merchandise" Award! These toys range from two to three inches tall, so they're anything but tiny. And they're made from art-toy resin, not kiddie-toy plastic (though they're robust, we don't recommend stomping on them). I suppose "Decently-sized Resin Series 1" doesn't have quite the same ring to it, though.

Anyway, these beautiful toys are The Pretentious Artist's interpretations of the Vicious Gnauga, Baby Gravy Fairy, Sabre-Toothed Lime, and Bugbear. They're satisfyingly hefty and solid for their size, and are sure to bring beauty and class to your cubicle, home computer desk, or S&M dungeon.

Tiny Plastic Gnauga
($7.00 each)
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This vicious little toy is the epitome of screaming terror, albeit ign a cute and cuddly way. His beady little eyes and toothy sgnarl are proven to ward off evil spirits (perhaps spiriting them off to an evil ward). Reports that this toy walks in the night seeking to prey on the flesh of the ignnocent are, we're sure, utter fabrications.

Tiny Plastic Sabre-Toothed Lime
($7.00 each)
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Look at that hypnotizing, toothy (and toothsome) grin. What is this lime so happy about? Its smile is every bit as enigmatic and beguiling as the Mona Lisa's. Perched on its sturdy plastic stand, it almost seems to hover eerily in mid-air -- provided your eyesight is spectacularly bad and/or the room is almost completely dark.

Tiny Plastic Bugbear
($7.00 each)
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Kingdom of Loathing's own lovable species-ist (Begone, filthy human!) is rendered here in all his scrawny-armed, snaggle-toothed glory. The bulkiest of the four tiny plastics, he is the most effective as a paperweight or, in a pinch, a short-range ballistic missile (actually, you shouldn't throw these toys. You'd probably break his ears off or something). And even though he's painted the most appetizing shade of chocolate brown, we can't condone eating him. But, y'know, we won't stop you from trying.

Tiny Plastic Baby Gravy Fairy
($7.00 each)
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Kingdom of Loathing's cutest familiar finally realizes her full potential, appearing here in at least three dimensions and in glorious full color. We kind of always thought she was white with purple spots, but we're thrilled to have been proven wrong. Though she's not fully articulated for dancing, keep in mind that neither are you, and you don't have detachable wings.

Do you?

Vinyl Stickers & Temporary Tattoos


Kingdom of Loathing Bumper Stickers
($2.00 each)

These stickers have a much warmer sound than those digital stickers the kids these days like. They're made of 100% all-natural vinyl, mined from the vinyl mines and smithed in the forges of Mt McLargeHuge. Suitable for framing or adhering to a variety of surfaces both legal and illegal. We heartily recommend you don't stick them on your skin, unless you're into impromptu depilation.

(The square Sword and Martini Guy stickers (not currently pictured, so as not to get your hopes up) are temporarily out of stock.)

Design  

Sword & Martini Guy Die-Cut Vinyl Stickers
($3.00 each)

These stickers are 5 inches tall, and die-cut for her pleasure. Contrary to popular belief, they are not iron-on patches. They work particularly well on windows because there is no pesky extra sticker-material outside the lovingly reproduced stick-figure to block your view. If there's nothing in particular that you'd like Calvin to pee on, these may just be the stickers for you.


Color  

Colorful Die-Cut Vinyl Stickers
($10.00 Set of 4)
The die has been cast, man, and after it was cast, it was cut. If you've been lacking stickers in exciting shapes, this set is just for you. If you're colorblind, these will look just like KoL art, only bigger.

Sabre-Toothed Lime Die-Cut Vinyl Sticker
($3.00 each)
Do you have any objects that could use more sabre-toothed lime on them? Well, provided the objects are big enough (like, say, the size of a car, or a laptop computer, or the wall of a bathroom stall) then this might be just what you need -- it's a handsome die-cut sticker with a width of about six inches and charm beyond measure.

Baby Gravy Fairy Die-Cut Vinyl Sticker
($3.00 each)
Re-imagined and prettified by the Pretentious Artist, and cast in brilliant purple vinyl, the Baby Gravy Fairy has never been more alluring. Nor will she be again. This is pretty much it.

Bugbear Die-Cut Vinyl Sticker
($3.00 each)
Filthy human, buy my sticker! Proclaim your love for me as I proclaim my disdain for your species!

Vicious Gnauga Die-Cut Vinyl Sticker
($3.00 each)
The Gnauga's smaller than the other vinyl stickers, but I wouldn't point that out to it if you want to keep your spleen on the inside. I'd also recommend not pointing out its lack of legs, for the same reason.

Kingdom of Loathing Temporary Tattoos
($1.00 Set of 8)

These temporary tattoos are 1.5" square, and can be affixed to your skin in a mere 30 seconds. Each set consists of eight tattoos, pictured below. They're a perfect way to tell the world that you're a total badass, but not so much that you want your Mom to find out. They're also useful for drawing additional attention to your cleavage, if you've got the inclination. And the cleavage.


Five Sets of Temporary Tattoos
($2.00 Five Sets of 8)

Since the majority of the cost on these is shipping, we're able to offer you, the consumer, a significant volume discount. The louder the volume, the more significant the discount!

Glassware
NOTE: Because all of the Customs agents on Earth are apparently united in their desire to shatter our glassware with state-sanctioned hammers before it reaches its destination, we are sadly unable to ship any items in this category outside of the United States. It's as annoying to us as it is to you, believe me.
Set of 6 Shot Glasses
($20.00 Set of 6)
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Don't pass on these sassy, classy glasses. All 6 character classes, alternating male and female, are featured on these lovely flammable-beverage-holders in the primitive art style that fans love and that people who print artwork on shot glasses hate (no, seriously, they tried to redraw every single one for us). If you're not old enough to drink flammable beverages, you can do a few shots of milk or fruit juice. Yup, that'd be a blast.

Kingdom of Loathing Pint Glass
($10.00 each)
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It comes in pints? I'm gettin' one! Yes, these glasses hold 16 ounces (7.3 hectares, if you're metric) of your favorite frosty beverage. I mean, you can put beverages other than beer in here, but we can't officially condone such behavior. We'll just try not to judge you if you do.

Kingdom of Loathing Pint Glasses Set
($23.00 Set of 4)
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What's approximately 4 times better than having one pint glass?

Kingdom of Loathing Coffee Cup
($10.00 each)
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If you can conceive of a more stylish way to keep coffee out of your lap than this little number, you're a cleverer coffee cup conceiver than we are. It is a completely nondescript white coffee cup, exactly the size of a coffee cup, with the Sword and Martini Guy on it.

Gnauga Coffee Cup
($10.00 each)
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Did you ever see that episode of Roseanne where Dan talked about his coffee cup with an airplane on it, and how he was always afraid that the airplane was going to fly up his nose? Well, if he had been using this coffee cup instead, he would've been afraid that the gnauga would eat him. And leave toast scrapings in the butter.

Coffee Pixie Coffee Cup
($10.00 each)
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This is a coffee cup just like the one with the Sword and Martini Guy on it, but with the Coffee Pixie on it instead. When you put hot coffee in it, the image of the Pixie shakes back and forth, just like in the game! Actually, no it doesn't.